I’ve Known dark times. HERE’S how I got through
Life throws unexpected challenges our way, testing our strength and resilience, especially as we age. In my own journey, I've faced hardships that deeply impacted my mental health.
I’m not sure how many of us get to midlife without having suffered some kind of trauma. Whether it has been a big T trauma or a little T trauma, we have all suffered in some way.
In my own life, there have been both the big and little T’s and I know I’m not unlike many others who have also experienced terrible pain and suffering, and in some cases much worse than mine, and in other cases, much less. At times, these experiences have brought me to my knees where I never thought I would be able to get back up again.
How we deal with pain and suffering can affect our entire landscape of life - our health, relationships, careers, family, everything.
Going through stage IV metastatic cancer treatment was one such time. I often thought it would be better if I weren't here. Then my kids wouldn’t have to see me constantly dealing with the hardships of cancer and me being unable to actively participate and contribute in their lives, and it would put me out of my own pain and misery. Facing your own mortality is confronting, and strangely so considering that none of us get out of this life without dying. Yet we never talk about it and we shut down any such conversations as morbid and depressing. I often wonder if those conversations need to be had more often so that we really appreciate our lives more. That we don’t take our time for granted.
A friend once said to me, ‘Jen, you need to surround the dragon’! And that resonated with me because in life there is never just one thing that will be the be-all-end-all solution. It means that sometimes we need to confront a difficult situation from all sides. By dealing with something big in a proactive and collaborative approach, by tackling the issue head-on, and by getting support, it is more likely to feel like you have more control over the situation than you think. And that feels good. It feels empowering. It feels like you have a say in its trajectory instead of ‘it’ happening to you. It also implies the need for reaching out for support, for teamwork, over shutting down, to overcome it.
I found that very difficult at first. It was hard to ask for what I needed. Maybe that’s a female thing of my generation and upbringing. I don’t know, but once I did get the help I needed, I wondered why I hadn’t done it sooner. I had wasted so much time. This negative feedback loop just continually running, repeatedly in my head, every day, every minute.
Of course, therapy was part of what surrounded my dragon. It helped me understand myself and why I did things in a certain way, why I chose the people in my life, friends, romances, and employees, why I parented in a certain way, and how I made decisions and lived my life. Everything was on the table.
Along with that, I knew I had to keep my physical body strong as well as well as my mental game. And that took more than just therapy.
Yes, I was already switched on to a healthy way of life, but it required me to level up significantly and most importantly, consistently, in a way I had taken for granted prior. Here’s some of what I did to get myself through:
Strength training - it’s still a work in progress, but I started off not being able to lift a weight at all. I used my own body weight and resistance bands to begin with and it was hard, physically and mentally. Starting from less than ground zero. I wanted to give up all the time. I felt like the worst person in the team. But I kept showing up. And it paid off. Not only did I get stronger physically, every time I could do something better than before, it lifted my spirits and strengthened my mind. This goes for any mental challenge you may be facing. Use your body in a way that is challenging. It helps.
Sleep - I was constantly tired, in a way I had never felt before. Not only because I was so weakened by failed drug treatments and major surgeries, but from depression. I couldn’t make it much past 7 pm. So I just went to bed. I knew if I didn’t, it would set me up for that negative feedback loop (“you’re going to die”, “what’s the point”, “you did this to yourself by getting too much sun”, “you should have made better choices”, “now you’re children are going to watch you slowly die” etc etc). Not only does being tired set you up for faulty thinking, but you also want to do things that don’t serve you, like choosing the crap food and indulging yourself in things that really do nothing to support you.
Nutrition - I bunkered down on this like never before. The drug treatments destroyed my gut so I couldn’t eat much at all. But I just kept trying to eat as healthily as I could and do what I could and not listen to everyone saying how skinny I was. Twenty years ago that’s all I wanted to hear! Skinny doesn’t interest me anymore, being strong and healthy does. That looks and feels much better.
Reading - instead of watching mindless TV, I read - a lot. I read inspiring books, books that lifted my spirit, and stories of how people overcame hard times and how they did it. Books on nutrition, gut health, leading thought leaders on wellbeing. I devoured books. I studied nutritional enhancement techniques, supplements, and stress management techniques. I ignored the sly jokes about how I never went out and liked to go to bed early and read. Who cares, it was working for me.
Future Planning and Vision Boarding - this was fun. It felt a bit naff at first, but it helped me to see past the right now. If I had nothing holding me back, where did I want to go, what did I want to do, who did I want with me, who did I want to be? The escapism lifted my spirits and helped me to see beyond the pain and suffering to the light of a potential future. Would I have a future? I didn’t know, but it felt good to plan for it and gave me hope that if I got through this, maybe I could have some of what I dreamed of having.
Meditation and Journaling - meditation helped me to release the anxiety that seemed to creep into my mind and body each day. I used guided meditation which worked for me. Putting my headphones on and listening seemed like a relatively easy thing to do at night before sleep so I didn’t ruminate on the what if’s. It also helped me to be grateful for being alive. Writing my thoughts down was sometimes ugly to reread. But looking through those journals now, I see how far I’ve come. And that feels good - it makes me feel stronger in myself and know ‘I can do hard things’.
I have learnt so much through my own experience. I discovered a path of healing and resilience. By talking with others trained in psychotherapy and more casual conversations with people who have had their own tough challenges, through my studies and research, and my determination in wanting to know all I could to heal myself, I now have a toolbox of support that I use daily to keep myself from falling over again. I know too that life gets in the way sometimes and we can’t be perfect in our daily actions. But we can put our best foot forward.
Now that I am well, I am on a mission to help women in midlife overcome the challenges that can sometimes happen at this stage of life and support them through it with a proven strategy of health and wellness. I include many of my learnings in my one-on-one coaching and 8-Week Women’s Wellness Program. I hope to inspire and support others in their quest for holistic health and well-being and their journey back to themselves. I know how important and liberating it is!
If you’re ready to prioritise your health and well-being, contact me today to learn more about my one-on-one coaching and 8-week wellness program.
If you think you may need help, reach out to the caring people from the below organisations who can support you to see through the right now. Or, if you don’t want to do that, put on your headphones and meditate. It can’t hurt!
Australian Sources of Help
Reach out to organisations such as Beyond Blue, Lifeline, and Headspace for valuable assistance and guidance.
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